Current World Rankings

The latest Top 10 in the Extreme Boule World Rankings

1. P. Cox
2. A. Betts
3. R. Waterman
4. B. Martin
5. C. Davies
6. S. Moss
7. T. Wort
8. M. Wort
9. D. Woolridge
10. I. Thomas

Ben Martin is rising fast up the table and really building up a solid average score. Catrin Davies has crashed into the Top 5 in style. However 2011 Champion Darren Woolridge is way down, lurking in 9th, and really needs a change in fortune. Most importantly unless the Top 3 play soon, they will lose their grip on their places and Martin looks ready to pounce on that Number One spot!

Royal Honey Keeper Match

Date: 22/03/12

Location: St. James' Park - London
Weather: Hotting Up!
Extreme Rating: ***
Dangers & Annoyances: Undesirables. Lack of consumables.
Consumables: None.

Results:

Match One:

B. Martin (aka Balance Boy): 11

D. Woolridge: 3

Match Two:

D. Woolridge: 11

B. Martin (aka Balance Boy): 7

Match Three:

B. Martin (aka Balance Boy): 11

D. Woolridge: 5

"It's the soil! It's impossible" - D. Woolridge

Match Report:

Woolridge tries to get back some credibility by taking on Martin again. Fails terribly.

The first match see's Martin in a 7 to 0 lead over Woolridge. Every time Woolridge saw a glimmer of hope it was dashed away from him. Martin smashed his Kissers, reset the pitch and stole the gifts. Woolridge didn't stand a chance.

Match two of the evening. Martin is panicked by a phone call. Woolridge saw his chance and quickly broke into the lead. Martin so flustered by whatever transpired on the telephone, that he committed a mortal sin in the Boule world. To protect his own kisser, he let his final Boule drop, cowardly from his pockets instead of playing by the gentleman's code. The boo's and jeers from the crowd seemed like punishment enough for Martin, who went pale on realisation of his faux-pas.

Match three saw Martin taking a grip again. Events of "the" phone-call pushed to the back of his mind. His playing was (as a member of the audience shouted) Off-The-Hook. Three Boules closet to the Jack combined with a kisser was surely shot of the match and saw Martin take his second victory of the evening.

Boule Nest

Gift Snatcher's delight.

Balancing?

Hey Man! Sweet Kisser!

Kisser, Kisser.

The Trophy

Currently held by D. Woolridge for winning the 2011 season.

Rich Waterman - Is 2012 his year?

Ben Martin? Pippa Cox? Catrin Davies? Darren Woolridge? Seb Moss? Who is your favourite for this year's World Title?... We take some time to catch up with many people's tip for the 2012 championship, Richard Waterman, the Wizard of Edale...

Rich, you're currently third in the world. How much do you want that number one spot?

I have mixed feelings about that one – becoming boule champion would be a great honour, but it can do terrible things to a man. How would I cope with the obligatory sponsorship deals? - I don't even like turkish delight . I'd be happy just to improve from last year and come in the top 3.

Your Edale training partner, Pippa, is the current number one. What's her secret?

It's a secret, even to me. All I know is that she spent three months in Antarctica prior to the start of the 2012 boule season, and since then her rise up the boule league table has been meteoric.

If you were to choose a mythical creature that best personifies your boule style, what would it be?

The octofish – respected nemesis of Jack Rattenbury, and the original gift snatcher.

Which characters from the past or present would you most like to play against in your dream boule match inside a disused ice cave?

hmmm... I think it would be moon character, Neil Armstrong, in a game of zero gravity boule.

Players seem to be pulling out all sorts of special moves for 2012. Have you got any new radical boule moves in the pipeline?

I'm working on an underground boule lob called the mole boule - it will go through the ground and comes up underneath the jack, bypassing the rest of the boule field (see photo below). However, this year may be too early to see it– the slow pace of boule innovation means it won’t be ready until the 2076 season.

Seb Moss. A dangerous renegade with the ability to be world champ, or a washed up has-been spurting half truths through port stained lips? Discuss.

Moss is all of these things, and none of them.

Finally, one stripe, two tripe or three stripe boule markings?

Three stripes - more is more.

Richard Waterman - The Facts

Position in 2011 - 4th

Current World Ranking - 3rd

Win Ratio - 66.7%

Opponents Defeated - 8

Opponents Defeated By - 1

Total Points scored in games - 21

Total Points conceded in games - 27

Fact - On average Waterman takes home 43.8% of points available in a game.

Fact - Waterman has only ever lost to one person - Pippa Cox

Fact - Waterman has defeated 2011 World Champion Woolridge twice.

Davies' Magic

Date: 18/3/12
Location: The Gravel Dome, Grangetown

Weather: Delicious sunshine.
Extreme Rating: **

Dangers & Annoyances: The day being too pleasant. The mismanagement of weeds.

Result:
C. Davies 8
M. Wort 7

T. Wort 2

"Boule doesn't have to have port and cigars. Give me some lipgloss." - Catrin Davies

Match Report: As M. Wort, C. Davies and T. Wort took to the Gravel Dome for a First To 7 show down, the topic of conservation was still very much the latest Woolridge-Martin battle and THAT cigar. In a fiesty pre match interview (see below) Davies took the brave move of sass mouthing Ben Martin, the current star of the Extreme Boule world. Critics and fans alike were astounded by Davies vocal outburst when it transpired that she is in fact yet to feature in the World Top 10 in 2012 OR 2011. As the game began it appeared that Davies was all jive talk no style as it was Mari Wort who set the quality level to High with a hugely impressive triple point score in the opening round. However then something magical started to happen.... Catrin Davies began to pull out some equisite moves of her own and the game began to take off. Tensions were high with the scores stood at C. Davies 6, M. Wort 5 and T. Wort 2. Mari Wort with her last boule landed an amazing kisser, which everyone assumed would give her victory. Davies, who at times referred to her boules as eggs, then shocked the Boule World... Whilst most players would aim to remove the oppositions kisser with a brutish power shot, Davies opted for genius, and landed a beautiful kisser of her own. The jack sat kissing both boule (see photo above) meaning vitory for Davies and devestation for Mari Wort. Catrin Davies it seems has the boule skills to match her sass mouth. There may also be a rival to Martin's 15 m kisser for shot of the season....

Shot of the Day: Davies last boule kisser has made the Boule World sit up and take notice....

Exclusive Interview with Catrin Davies

Before her latest Match we caught up with Catrin Davies aka Catrin Planet. In this revealing interview we get Catrin's unique insights into the big Martin - Woolridge show down, THE Cigar incident, and other pressing topics within the Extreme Boule World.

Thanks for meeting with us. Why are you doing this interview?

It seems that anybody whos anybody in the EB world is doing an interview, and I want to be an anybody.

You're currently rank very lowly, how does that feel? A long akward silence....

Martin has just beaten Woolridge. Is Martin is the freshest thing in boule, or is the Balance Boy phenomenon just a flash in the pan? Well there's his cockiness from the previous season.... I think it's, well... it's a case of erm, his boules are bigger than they really are.

That's controversial. How would you beat him a match? Long awkward silence.... The underdog just comes from nowhere. Wait and see.

The cigar ritual is the talk of the boule world. What's your opinion? I would rather see him smoking spider man things.

What mythical creature do you most associate with as you play Extreme Boule?

I think of myself as the Red Dragon who's nabbed the white dragon's eggs and is throwing them as I fly back to my cave. Big heavy bouley shaped white dragons eggs.

Who will this year's World Title? Pippa Cox? I do admire P. Cox's sass. Obviously I try to think positively and see myself with my name engraved below D. Woolridge on the trophy but.....

Single stripe, double stripe or triple stripe on your boule? The stripier the better.

Thanks.

Post Match Interview

Following the Garrett Park massacre, we caught up with Boule Player of the moment, Balance Boy...

How do you respond to the rumours that you got Woolridge Drunk in order to beat him during the Garrat Park match?!

That hurts a little. I brought the Port along as gesture, a throw back to yesteryear, to honour the boule gods if you like. We both had equal rations and if anything I think Port radically increases your BSA (Boule Spacial Awareness).

There is talk of the final shot of the game, not only being quite exquisite, but also a little supernatural. Any thoughts on this?

We were playing an LBJ (Long Bearded Jack) match where the J was around 15 meters from our position. Boules were being tossed high and far, we shook the local avian nesters from their trees as we launched our orbs into orbit. We were at best meters away from the jack when Darren tossed his final sphere and secured what was surly the winning throw, his boule was about 12 inches away from the jack and at that distance it was an incredible throw. I took a breath, tossed my orb and produced a a 15 meter kisser out of nowhere. There was no supernatural intervention. It was the moment when Woolridge realised he was in the presence of an incredible new talent on the scene.

Why do you think the mosquitos were so big in this small slice of park life in South west london?

It's because we were in Garrett Park, it's where Pat Garrett infamously shot and killed Billy the kid. I imagine the mosquito population still thrives on his festering, rotting corpse.

Dr. Moss is apparently very impressed with you lighting up a Cuban cigar the instant you won. Is this something your fans can get used to?

Yes, for big grudge matches this will be a regular celebration. For lesser scalps I will break out a pack of Café Crémes or some Spider-Man candy sticks.

Are you planning to steal Dr. Moss' solid housewive's following this season? Do you think they are looking for something a little fresher?

When I play Extreme Boule I take my wedding band off and play as a single boy. That's all I'm saying ladies.

Garrat Park Massacre

Date: 15/03/12

Location: Garrett Park Community Gardens - Earlsfield.
Weather: Spring warmth.
Extreme Rating: ***
Dangers & Annoyances: Giant Mosquitos and Chavs.
Consumables: Vintage Port. Cohiba Cuban Cigars.

Result:

B. Martin (aka Balance Boy): 12

D. Woolridge: 6

"I'm on cloud nine!" - B. Martin (aka Balance Boy).

Match Report:

The Grudge Match of the season. Atop a mound of earth in the cramped Garret Park in Earlsfield, South West London, The current world champion and the hottest tip in the Boule world battle it out and finally let the Boule do the talking.

A vintage bottle of port emerged from Martin's bag before the Boule were even unzipped. The sweet liquor coating the players lips and chins. This gluttonous display attracted all of the insect of the park and soon their cups of Port were full of flies and the Mosquitos were biting hard. Extreme conditions, I'm sure you'll agree.

Woolridge soon put the shakes on Martin with some highly precise orb-tossing, soon putting him into the lead. Sadly, it looked as though Woolridge was enjoying the port a little too much, on account of his addiction since winning the World Champion title. His aim began to weaken, Boules flying every-which-way. A smile played upon Martin's lips... as though this whole scene was carefully planned out by him. And the plan was going very well.

Woolridge, unable to gain any more points, allowed Martin to storm into the lead with a few double points thrown in just to rattle Woolridge's confidence further.

The scores set at Martin 10, Woolridge 6... The players entered the final round. A long jack... 12-15 metres. The first two boule from each player we're nowhere near... This game was up for the taking. Woolridge took quick advantage of this, shooting his final boule within twelve inches of the jack. Beads of sweat peppered Martin's forehead as he launched his final Boule. It bounced and positioned it's self kissing the Jack! Shot of the Season! A 15 metre kisser to win the match. Woolridge was not only defeated, but humiliated.


Martin was then seen cartwheeling around the park. Then lighting up a victory Cuban.


All hail the new flesh.

Cut

Dunk

Light

Bask in Victory

 

Sunset Port

The Beauty of Boule

Sunset Boulers

Shot of the match. Season? ... It certainly is a magical formation.

The boule overlord

Exposé

Balance boy smokes a £17 cigar after he wins a game. He's the boule equivalent of WWF's million dollar man!

Impressive!!!!!

Location:Garratt Ln,London,United Kingdom

Exclusive Interview - Gwenllian Thomas

"I disappoint only myself "

As the 2012 season heats up, we sent our reporter to meet experienced Extreme Bouler Gwenllian Thomas. Gwenllian has a rich boule history, having been there at the birth of the sport, playing against boule giants such as Jean Baptiste Gressier, James Perrot and Darren Woolridge and also becoming the first woman player in the sport! In this exclusive, hard hitting interview, we discover Gwen's thoughts on Extreme Boule in the year 2012, Crwbanod and, of course, her take on current World leader Pippa Cox....

Gwen, as an esteemed Boule pro for a number of years what's your view of the sport in 2012?
Olympic year means that every player in the history of the game will want to make this the best year yet – more extreme, more players, more Hot Moss action for the housewives watching at home.

Is there much rivalry between yourself and your Ham house Extreme boule training partner Kate? She finished 9 places above you in 2011, that's got to sting, right?
The nobility of Gressier flows in my veins so I bear no grudges. Grudge bearing has become the scourge of modern Extreme Boule. I just want to improve my performance. I disappoint only myself.

You've met the near mythical Jean Baptiste Gressier. What are your memories of that time?
Sunshine, wine, University Hall and an endless summer of championship play.

Owning a dog improves your boule technique. Discuss.
Ball throwing for Borders = Boule Brilliance

What pioneering boule move would you bring to the table layed out for 2012?
That would be telling!

How important a role do Crwban play in the Extreme Boule world?
Crwbanod are a vital factor in all things. Never underestimate them. I believe that the time will come when a Leatherback Turtle can rise above the surface of the sea and become Extreme Boule World Champion.

Pippa Cox is currently world number one. There's never been a female champion. Have got your sights on the World title?
I just want women to finally put their mark on the sport. Go Pip!

Finally, single stripe, double stripe or triple stripe boule pattern?
I prefer double, triple is ok, but single stripes make me sick. They bear the mark of misfortune for me.

Player Fact Files

On the eve of the match of the year. Let's take a look at a summary of the stats of Woolridge and Martin. Fascinating facts!

Darren Woolridge
Games Played: 17
Opponents Defeated: 32
Defeated by Opponents: 12
Total points scored in games: 451
Total points scores against in games: 543
% Win:38.24%
Opponent lost to most often: Ben Martin (3 times)
FACT: Woolridge has never beaten Waterman, despite playing him twice.
FACT: Woolridge has only ever finished last once in games with more than 3 players.
FACT: Woolridge holds the record for highest ever score in a game (223)
FACT: On average Woolridge scores a whopping 45% of all the points scored in a game
FACT: In 2011 Woolridge never finished lower than second place in a match.

Ben Martin
Games Played: 5
Opponents Defeated: 12
Defeated by Opponents: 3
Total points scored in games: 51
Total points scores against in games: 131
% Win:40%
Opponent lost to most often: Darren Woolridge (2 times)
FACT: On average Martin takes home 28% of the points available in a match
FACT: Martin has a win ratio of 40% - the second highest (behind Waterman)
FACT: Martin has never finished outside the top 2 in a game.
FACT: Martin has only lost to 2 people (Woolridge twice, Betts once)

Something big is coming from Balance Boy

Boules Player's Ruin

The 2011 World Champion - Exclusive Interview

2011 Extreme Boule World Champion Darren Woolridge, took some time out of his busy training regime to speak to our reporter. In this exclusive interview he gives us a glimpse into what life is like for a champion and the truth behind THAT match with Ben Martin.

How did it feel to win the 2011 title, narrowly beating B. Martin at the end?
It was a relief! All the steel-blisters and calluses were worth it. I've even cleared a space on the mantle for the World Champ Trophy (still not awarded)....

What's your view on the often talked about controversy that surrounded the deciding match between yourself and Martin?
I knew I won that match... the adjudicators both picked a winner apiece. 1 Woolridge 1 Martin... the man that picked Martin as the winner was topless with suspenders and his face was painted like a pigeon. The one that picked me as a winner may have been painted like a cow, but at least he was fully dressed. It's redundant now, regardless. I needed not win that match to take home the title. Needless to say, I had the last laugh...

How hard is it to maintain a normal life, when you are Extreme Boule World Champion?
It's more difficult than I'd imagined it would be... Port looks better to me, and I struggle to resist it. I also think that I need to buy the "Taste the Difference" prawns, which is crippling me, financially.

How do you respond to the suggestion that you've 'lost it' in 2012?
I had lost it... I'm BACK!

Which film character do you most associate yourself with?
The dog in You've got Mail.

Balance Boy is breaking out new styles for 2012, Moss is becoming the Media's bad boy... What's up your sleeve for 2012?
I'm currently in negotiations with Neil Young. We're developing a Boules glove. It has fur on the back, moss on the side and a Boule Squeegee laying across the thumb.

Finally, single stripes, double close together stripes or triple stripes?
Single stripes all the way. I can't imagine a better boule.

WORLD RANKINGS 2012

Current World Rankings - Top 10

Here are the current Top 10 Rankings in the World of Extreme Boule.....

1. P. Cox
2. A. Betts
3. R. Waterman
4. S. Moss
5. B. Martin
6. T. Wort
7. M. Wort
8. D. Woolridge
9. I. Thomas
10. M. Hopkins

Pippa Cox is still clinging onto the top spot whilst dark horse Adam Betts has snuck it a number 2. Waterman is looking to cement another top 5 finish, whilst the ever controversial Seb Moss is finally letting his boule do the the talking. Ben Martin, aka Balance Boy, is rapidly climbing up through the rankings, whilst last years champion, Darren Woolridge has found some form recently and re entered the Top 10 after a disastrous start to this seasons campaign. Indeg Thomas has shown some paniche for a new comer, whilst the Worts cling onto the 6th and 7th place. Hopkins needs some more of his famous flair, if he wants to improve on 10th, whilst the likes of Murray and Davies are yet to trouble the top 10.

An updated Points Table will be up soon, with excited new scoring features, which will blow peoples minds to smithereens and hopefully end the possibility of any more controversies! Watch this space really closely.....

New World Number One

Pippa Cox is the current World Number one in Extreme Boule, with her Edale training partner Richard Waterman close behind in second. Last year's World Champion, Darren Woolridge, currently lies 7th, with all eyes on when arch rival Ben Martin and his anticipated Extreme Boule comeback.

SW19 - Balance Boy's Triumph

Date: 11/03/12

Location: Crooked Billet Conservation Area - Wimbledon Common.

Result:

B. Martin (aka Balance Boy): 11

D. Woolridge: 9

M. Hopkins: 6

Match Report:

The second match of the day saw B. Martin (aka Balance Boy) on better form. Although this reporter thought that his cowardly objection to the Devil Round (when during a three player match all players scores stand at 6, the following "Devil Round" is scored double) was anything but "fresh" there was no mistaking that Martin deserved this win. Hopkins revived some of his flair (by holding the child of Martin, no doubt) although never quite matching the skill of Woolridge and the winner.

Clearly dissapointed

Bill Cosby Boule Documentary

Balance Boy (B. Martin) Interview

It has been suggested by some of the more 'dated' Boules players that you need to hide behind the moniker 'Balance Boy' because you're somehow ashamed of your Boule heritage. What would you say about this?


I am in no way ashamed of my Boule roots. Balance Boy is more than just a name, it's an idea, a concept. My last season ended in spectacular controversy, I don't want to even think about it. Balance Boy is a reaction, symbolic, a Phoenix rising from the dirty ashes of 2011s Extreme Boule league. This isn't hiding, this is a rebirth.

What do you think about the general 'freshness' of the sport. Is this a concern of yours?

A concern? Absolutely not! I welcome the freshness and intend to seek out the freshest players to form a super faction where we will galvanise and harness our collective freshness to eradicate 'The Old Guard.' 

Do you have any thoughts about Moss' recent, ungentlemany outburst against you and some other of the sports more exciting players?

Panic fire. I imagine he feels incredibly threatened by the new kids on the block. His performances on the Boule pitch have been delightfully amateurish for someone blowing so much hot air. If I'm ruffling outdated feathers and getting a reaction that has to be a good thing. I think Moss has unfortunately become what every professional Extreme Boule player fears, irrelevant in the sport they hold so dear. I respect what he's done but he is of no serious concern to Balance Boy.

How confident are you about your chances at the trophy this year?

When I play I believe I have the ability to win every match. I'm no fool though, there's some great talent out there this season. To win would be incredible but I'd settle for mixing things up and causing a stir whilst maintaining a top 3 spot.

Thanks, It's been a pleasure learning about you today.

Balance boy doesn't answer. He tilts his head to the side and stares straight through this Boules Reporter....

Young's Brewery Domination - Crooked Billet

Date: 11/03/12

Location: Crooked Billet Conservation Area - Wimbledon Common.
Weather: Almost time to cut the legs off of your corduroy.
Extreme Rating: **
Dangers & Annoyances: Balls knocking over your ale. Kids' attraction to glistening Boules.
Consumables: Cask ale and Roast dinners.

Result:

D. Woolridge: 11

B. Martin (aka Balance Boy): 6

M. Hopkins: 6

Match Report:

Amongst families, wombles and spilt ale. The players looked calmer than perhaps they should considering the leader-board this season. The three played strongly, their boules shiny and their aims true. Martin, particularly wowed the crowds with a new (futuristic) move; the Hadoken. Possibly derived from an ancient Japanese Boules technique in which the player defies gravity by levitating into the air, with a full rotation of the arm (concentrating your force on the Brachioradialis muscles) drive the Boule with such force into the ground that it embeds in the earth wherever it lands. (similar to the existing "DIG IN" technique, preferred by a port drinker). Martin practiced his new technique with varying degrees of success. This new move however was no match from the calm and focused power of Woolridge, apparently back on form, which nobody there expected to see. (Woolridge was quoted after the match in admitting holding the child of your opponent gives you some sort of spiritual power over them, and that Martin never stood a chance). Hopkins' flamboyant style that he is famous for was almost non-existent in this match. With most of his moves looking similar to if he was just emptying his pockets. A fine match.