Post Match Interview

Following the Garrett Park massacre, we caught up with Boule Player of the moment, Balance Boy...

How do you respond to the rumours that you got Woolridge Drunk in order to beat him during the Garrat Park match?!

That hurts a little. I brought the Port along as gesture, a throw back to yesteryear, to honour the boule gods if you like. We both had equal rations and if anything I think Port radically increases your BSA (Boule Spacial Awareness).

There is talk of the final shot of the game, not only being quite exquisite, but also a little supernatural. Any thoughts on this?

We were playing an LBJ (Long Bearded Jack) match where the J was around 15 meters from our position. Boules were being tossed high and far, we shook the local avian nesters from their trees as we launched our orbs into orbit. We were at best meters away from the jack when Darren tossed his final sphere and secured what was surly the winning throw, his boule was about 12 inches away from the jack and at that distance it was an incredible throw. I took a breath, tossed my orb and produced a a 15 meter kisser out of nowhere. There was no supernatural intervention. It was the moment when Woolridge realised he was in the presence of an incredible new talent on the scene.

Why do you think the mosquitos were so big in this small slice of park life in South west london?

It's because we were in Garrett Park, it's where Pat Garrett infamously shot and killed Billy the kid. I imagine the mosquito population still thrives on his festering, rotting corpse.

Dr. Moss is apparently very impressed with you lighting up a Cuban cigar the instant you won. Is this something your fans can get used to?

Yes, for big grudge matches this will be a regular celebration. For lesser scalps I will break out a pack of Café Crémes or some Spider-Man candy sticks.

Are you planning to steal Dr. Moss' solid housewive's following this season? Do you think they are looking for something a little fresher?

When I play Extreme Boule I take my wedding band off and play as a single boy. That's all I'm saying ladies.

Balance Boy (B. Martin) Interview

It has been suggested by some of the more 'dated' Boules players that you need to hide behind the moniker 'Balance Boy' because you're somehow ashamed of your Boule heritage. What would you say about this?


I am in no way ashamed of my Boule roots. Balance Boy is more than just a name, it's an idea, a concept. My last season ended in spectacular controversy, I don't want to even think about it. Balance Boy is a reaction, symbolic, a Phoenix rising from the dirty ashes of 2011s Extreme Boule league. This isn't hiding, this is a rebirth.

What do you think about the general 'freshness' of the sport. Is this a concern of yours?

A concern? Absolutely not! I welcome the freshness and intend to seek out the freshest players to form a super faction where we will galvanise and harness our collective freshness to eradicate 'The Old Guard.' 

Do you have any thoughts about Moss' recent, ungentlemany outburst against you and some other of the sports more exciting players?

Panic fire. I imagine he feels incredibly threatened by the new kids on the block. His performances on the Boule pitch have been delightfully amateurish for someone blowing so much hot air. If I'm ruffling outdated feathers and getting a reaction that has to be a good thing. I think Moss has unfortunately become what every professional Extreme Boule player fears, irrelevant in the sport they hold so dear. I respect what he's done but he is of no serious concern to Balance Boy.

How confident are you about your chances at the trophy this year?

When I play I believe I have the ability to win every match. I'm no fool though, there's some great talent out there this season. To win would be incredible but I'd settle for mixing things up and causing a stir whilst maintaining a top 3 spot.

Thanks, It's been a pleasure learning about you today.

Balance boy doesn't answer. He tilts his head to the side and stares straight through this Boules Reporter....