Extreme Boule

20.3.12

The Trophy

Currently held by D. Woolridge for winning the 2011 season.

18.3.12

Rich Waterman - Is 2012 his year?

Ben Martin? Pippa Cox? Catrin Davies? Darren Woolridge? Seb Moss? Who is your favourite for this year's World Title?... We take some time to catch up with many people's tip for the 2012 championship, Richard Waterman, the Wizard of Edale...

Rich, you're currently third in the world. How much do you want that number one spot?

I have mixed feelings about that one – becoming boule champion would be a great honour, but it can do terrible things to a man. How would I cope with the obligatory sponsorship deals? - I don't even like turkish delight . I'd be happy just to improve from last year and come in the top 3.

Your Edale training partner, Pippa, is the current number one. What's her secret?

It's a secret, even to me. All I know is that she spent three months in Antarctica prior to the start of the 2012 boule season, and since then her rise up the boule league table has been meteoric.

If you were to choose a mythical creature that best personifies your boule style, what would it be?

The octofish – respected nemesis of Jack Rattenbury, and the original gift snatcher.

Which characters from the past or present would you most like to play against in your dream boule match inside a disused ice cave?

hmmm... I think it would be moon character, Neil Armstrong, in a game of zero gravity boule.

Players seem to be pulling out all sorts of special moves for 2012. Have you got any new radical boule moves in the pipeline?

I'm working on an underground boule lob called the mole boule - it will go through the ground and comes up underneath the jack, bypassing the rest of the boule field (see photo below). However, this year may be too early to see it– the slow pace of boule innovation means it won’t be ready until the 2076 season.

Seb Moss. A dangerous renegade with the ability to be world champ, or a washed up has-been spurting half truths through port stained lips? Discuss.

Moss is all of these things, and none of them.

Finally, one stripe, two tripe or three stripe boule markings?

Three stripes - more is more.

Richard Waterman - The Facts

Position in 2011 - 4th

Current World Ranking - 3rd

Win Ratio - 66.7%

Opponents Defeated - 8

Opponents Defeated By - 1

Total Points scored in games - 21

Total Points conceded in games - 27

Fact - On average Waterman takes home 43.8% of points available in a game.

Fact - Waterman has only ever lost to one person - Pippa Cox

Fact - Waterman has defeated 2011 World Champion Woolridge twice.

Davies' Magic

Date: 18/3/12
Location: The Gravel Dome, Grangetown

Weather: Delicious sunshine.
Extreme Rating: **

Dangers & Annoyances: The day being too pleasant. The mismanagement of weeds.

Result:
C. Davies 8
M. Wort 7

T. Wort 2

"Boule doesn't have to have port and cigars. Give me some lipgloss." - Catrin Davies

Match Report: As M. Wort, C. Davies and T. Wort took to the Gravel Dome for a First To 7 show down, the topic of conservation was still very much the latest Woolridge-Martin battle and THAT cigar. In a fiesty pre match interview (see below) Davies took the brave move of sass mouthing Ben Martin, the current star of the Extreme Boule world. Critics and fans alike were astounded by Davies vocal outburst when it transpired that she is in fact yet to feature in the World Top 10 in 2012 OR 2011. As the game began it appeared that Davies was all jive talk no style as it was Mari Wort who set the quality level to High with a hugely impressive triple point score in the opening round. However then something magical started to happen.... Catrin Davies began to pull out some equisite moves of her own and the game began to take off. Tensions were high with the scores stood at C. Davies 6, M. Wort 5 and T. Wort 2. Mari Wort with her last boule landed an amazing kisser, which everyone assumed would give her victory. Davies, who at times referred to her boules as eggs, then shocked the Boule World... Whilst most players would aim to remove the oppositions kisser with a brutish power shot, Davies opted for genius, and landed a beautiful kisser of her own. The jack sat kissing both boule (see photo above) meaning vitory for Davies and devestation for Mari Wort. Catrin Davies it seems has the boule skills to match her sass mouth. There may also be a rival to Martin's 15 m kisser for shot of the season....

Shot of the Day: Davies last boule kisser has made the Boule World sit up and take notice....

16.3.12

Exclusive Interview with Catrin Davies

Before her latest Match we caught up with Catrin Davies aka Catrin Planet. In this revealing interview we get Catrin's unique insights into the big Martin - Woolridge show down, THE Cigar incident, and other pressing topics within the Extreme Boule World.

Thanks for meeting with us. Why are you doing this interview?

It seems that anybody whos anybody in the EB world is doing an interview, and I want to be an anybody.

You're currently rank very lowly, how does that feel? A long akward silence....

Martin has just beaten Woolridge. Is Martin is the freshest thing in boule, or is the Balance Boy phenomenon just a flash in the pan? Well there's his cockiness from the previous season.... I think it's, well... it's a case of erm, his boules are bigger than they really are.

That's controversial. How would you beat him a match? Long awkward silence.... The underdog just comes from nowhere. Wait and see.

The cigar ritual is the talk of the boule world. What's your opinion? I would rather see him smoking spider man things.

What mythical creature do you most associate with as you play Extreme Boule?

I think of myself as the Red Dragon who's nabbed the white dragon's eggs and is throwing them as I fly back to my cave. Big heavy bouley shaped white dragons eggs.

Who will this year's World Title? Pippa Cox? I do admire P. Cox's sass. Obviously I try to think positively and see myself with my name engraved below D. Woolridge on the trophy but.....

Single stripe, double stripe or triple stripe on your boule? The stripier the better.

Thanks.

Post Match Interview

Following the Garrett Park massacre, we caught up with Boule Player of the moment, Balance Boy...

How do you respond to the rumours that you got Woolridge Drunk in order to beat him during the Garrat Park match?!

That hurts a little. I brought the Port along as gesture, a throw back to yesteryear, to honour the boule gods if you like. We both had equal rations and if anything I think Port radically increases your BSA (Boule Spacial Awareness).

There is talk of the final shot of the game, not only being quite exquisite, but also a little supernatural. Any thoughts on this?

We were playing an LBJ (Long Bearded Jack) match where the J was around 15 meters from our position. Boules were being tossed high and far, we shook the local avian nesters from their trees as we launched our orbs into orbit. We were at best meters away from the jack when Darren tossed his final sphere and secured what was surly the winning throw, his boule was about 12 inches away from the jack and at that distance it was an incredible throw. I took a breath, tossed my orb and produced a a 15 meter kisser out of nowhere. There was no supernatural intervention. It was the moment when Woolridge realised he was in the presence of an incredible new talent on the scene.

Why do you think the mosquitos were so big in this small slice of park life in South west london?

It's because we were in Garrett Park, it's where Pat Garrett infamously shot and killed Billy the kid. I imagine the mosquito population still thrives on his festering, rotting corpse.

Dr. Moss is apparently very impressed with you lighting up a Cuban cigar the instant you won. Is this something your fans can get used to?

Yes, for big grudge matches this will be a regular celebration. For lesser scalps I will break out a pack of Café Crémes or some Spider-Man candy sticks.

Are you planning to steal Dr. Moss' solid housewive's following this season? Do you think they are looking for something a little fresher?

When I play Extreme Boule I take my wedding band off and play as a single boy. That's all I'm saying ladies.

Garrat Park Massacre

Date: 15/03/12

Location: Garrett Park Community Gardens - Earlsfield.
Weather: Spring warmth.
Extreme Rating: ***
Dangers & Annoyances: Giant Mosquitos and Chavs.
Consumables: Vintage Port. Cohiba Cuban Cigars.

Result:

B. Martin (aka Balance Boy): 12

D. Woolridge: 6

"I'm on cloud nine!" - B. Martin (aka Balance Boy).

Match Report:

The Grudge Match of the season. Atop a mound of earth in the cramped Garret Park in Earlsfield, South West London, The current world champion and the hottest tip in the Boule world battle it out and finally let the Boule do the talking.

A vintage bottle of port emerged from Martin's bag before the Boule were even unzipped. The sweet liquor coating the players lips and chins. This gluttonous display attracted all of the insect of the park and soon their cups of Port were full of flies and the Mosquitos were biting hard. Extreme conditions, I'm sure you'll agree.

Woolridge soon put the shakes on Martin with some highly precise orb-tossing, soon putting him into the lead. Sadly, it looked as though Woolridge was enjoying the port a little too much, on account of his addiction since winning the World Champion title. His aim began to weaken, Boules flying every-which-way. A smile played upon Martin's lips... as though this whole scene was carefully planned out by him. And the plan was going very well.

Woolridge, unable to gain any more points, allowed Martin to storm into the lead with a few double points thrown in just to rattle Woolridge's confidence further.

The scores set at Martin 10, Woolridge 6... The players entered the final round. A long jack... 12-15 metres. The first two boule from each player we're nowhere near... This game was up for the taking. Woolridge took quick advantage of this, shooting his final boule within twelve inches of the jack. Beads of sweat peppered Martin's forehead as he launched his final Boule. It bounced and positioned it's self kissing the Jack! Shot of the Season! A 15 metre kisser to win the match. Woolridge was not only defeated, but humiliated.

Martin was then seen cartwheeling around the park. Then lighting up a victory Cuban.

All hail the new flesh.