Garrat Park Massacre

Date: 15/03/12

Location: Garrett Park Community Gardens - Earlsfield.
Weather: Spring warmth.
Extreme Rating: ***
Dangers & Annoyances: Giant Mosquitos and Chavs.
Consumables: Vintage Port. Cohiba Cuban Cigars.

Result:

B. Martin (aka Balance Boy): 12

D. Woolridge: 6

"I'm on cloud nine!" - B. Martin (aka Balance Boy).

Match Report:

The Grudge Match of the season. Atop a mound of earth in the cramped Garret Park in Earlsfield, South West London, The current world champion and the hottest tip in the Boule world battle it out and finally let the Boule do the talking.

A vintage bottle of port emerged from Martin's bag before the Boule were even unzipped. The sweet liquor coating the players lips and chins. This gluttonous display attracted all of the insect of the park and soon their cups of Port were full of flies and the Mosquitos were biting hard. Extreme conditions, I'm sure you'll agree.

Woolridge soon put the shakes on Martin with some highly precise orb-tossing, soon putting him into the lead. Sadly, it looked as though Woolridge was enjoying the port a little too much, on account of his addiction since winning the World Champion title. His aim began to weaken, Boules flying every-which-way. A smile played upon Martin's lips... as though this whole scene was carefully planned out by him. And the plan was going very well.

Woolridge, unable to gain any more points, allowed Martin to storm into the lead with a few double points thrown in just to rattle Woolridge's confidence further.

The scores set at Martin 10, Woolridge 6... The players entered the final round. A long jack... 12-15 metres. The first two boule from each player we're nowhere near... This game was up for the taking. Woolridge took quick advantage of this, shooting his final boule within twelve inches of the jack. Beads of sweat peppered Martin's forehead as he launched his final Boule. It bounced and positioned it's self kissing the Jack! Shot of the Season! A 15 metre kisser to win the match. Woolridge was not only defeated, but humiliated.


Martin was then seen cartwheeling around the park. Then lighting up a victory Cuban.


All hail the new flesh.

Cut

Dunk

Light

Bask in Victory

 

Sunset Port

The Beauty of Boule

Sunset Boulers

Shot of the match. Season? ... It certainly is a magical formation.

Moss' Revenge

Date: 26/2/12 Location: Pontcanna Fields Weather Conditions: Cold crisp sunshine. Extreme Rating: * * * Dangers & Annoyances: The prospect of a broken port bottle. Broken fingers.

Match Result: 1st S. Moss 9 points 2nd T. Wort 1 point 3rd J. Murray 0 point

Report: Everyone was talking about the return of Murray, surely one of the fashion pioneers of the Boule scene and Wort's annilihation of Moss in the previous match. Moss, at the start of the match, looked nothing better than a port stained has-been, grasping a bottle of whisky for solace. The match was epic, both Murray and Wort taking turns at leading. All three players appeared to be entering a State of Collinson and with numerous Collinson Rounds everyone's courage was very much tested. After a hour of play and with a number of point deductions for hitting the port bottle so the game swung in Moss' favour. Murray's pioneering Boule Catch round almost smashed fingers, but it was Moss who, suitably port enriched, strutted away with the victory and his first ever win over Murray.

Shot of the Day: The port bottles double flip after Murray's boule smacked into it, wowed the crowd.

Llangain Four-Day Match Result

Date: 14/10/11 - 17/10/11

Location: Llangain Farmhouse & Barn. Hay on Wye.
Weather: Clear & Crisp.
Extreme Rating: * * * * * *
Dangers & Annoyances: Birds of prey and an approaching winter.
Consumables: Ale, Port, Whiskey, Cuban Cigars, Cured Meats & Cheeses.

Result:

D. Woolridge 34

B. Martin 23

G. Searle 17

M. Hopkins 15

T. Wort 11 

L. Godden 4

K. Searle 0

B. Godden 0

S. Murphy 0

J. Godden 0

Match Report:

A gruelling four day match set against the sloping hills of the Wye Valley. Ten contestants battled it out on the green lustrous grass of Llangain farm. An age difference of 26 years between the oldest and youngest players added an edge of extremity to the match, the older players clearly rattled by the forward thinking techniques and plays of the youth. However, experience reigned supreme over the younglings, no one under the ripe age of 30 can be seen in the top five! Huzzah!


There were mutinous discussions against the organisers of the four day game. Some players and spectators alike, claiming an unfairness at games that were being played when not all players had even arrived, or indeed, long since left the arena.


Newcomers to the tournament, Searle and Martin came away with extremely impressive scores, especially. Woolridge cleared up overall with an eleven point lead, clearly desperate to win.
All could agree however, on the beauty of the arena itself. It lead to an air of calm over play. There's nothing like tossing the orb when you can hear an owl hooting somewhere down in the valley. A glorious weekend for the sport.

A study of the effects of Port drinking verses boules skill

Latest Boule Action

Saturday Twilight Match
Date: 24/9/11
Location: Bute Park, Cardiff
Weather conditions : bare arms, covered legs
Extreme Rating: * * *

Result
Jim Murray 6 points
Tim Wort - 6 points
Seb Moss - 7 points

Both Wort and Moss endured a torrid time out on the pastures, both ending on negative points, as the sun set. The Port Bottle as Jack round, which is seen as a true test of boule courage, sent Wort and the Housewives Favourite Moss spiralling towards negative points. A buoyant Murray, now number one in the world, was seen drinking from two port bottles, which insiders claim is the secret to his success.

Post match interview with T. Wort: " I ate a lot of cheese before the game. £8.75 worth of cheese to be precise. I thought my aim was true but I flipped out when the port became a jack. Then there were two bottles of port, both as jacks. Moss lost it. Murray is ice cold. His hands are like ice cream scoops, which scoop boule, not ice cream. In a good way."