SW19 - Balance Boy's Triumph

Date: 11/03/12

Location: Crooked Billet Conservation Area - Wimbledon Common.

Result:

B. Martin (aka Balance Boy): 11

D. Woolridge: 9

M. Hopkins: 6

Match Report:

The second match of the day saw B. Martin (aka Balance Boy) on better form. Although this reporter thought that his cowardly objection to the Devil Round (when during a three player match all players scores stand at 6, the following "Devil Round" is scored double) was anything but "fresh" there was no mistaking that Martin deserved this win. Hopkins revived some of his flair (by holding the child of Martin, no doubt) although never quite matching the skill of Woolridge and the winner.

Clearly dissapointed

Bill Cosby Boule Documentary

Balance Boy (B. Martin) Interview

It has been suggested by some of the more 'dated' Boules players that you need to hide behind the moniker 'Balance Boy' because you're somehow ashamed of your Boule heritage. What would you say about this?


I am in no way ashamed of my Boule roots. Balance Boy is more than just a name, it's an idea, a concept. My last season ended in spectacular controversy, I don't want to even think about it. Balance Boy is a reaction, symbolic, a Phoenix rising from the dirty ashes of 2011s Extreme Boule league. This isn't hiding, this is a rebirth.

What do you think about the general 'freshness' of the sport. Is this a concern of yours?

A concern? Absolutely not! I welcome the freshness and intend to seek out the freshest players to form a super faction where we will galvanise and harness our collective freshness to eradicate 'The Old Guard.' 

Do you have any thoughts about Moss' recent, ungentlemany outburst against you and some other of the sports more exciting players?

Panic fire. I imagine he feels incredibly threatened by the new kids on the block. His performances on the Boule pitch have been delightfully amateurish for someone blowing so much hot air. If I'm ruffling outdated feathers and getting a reaction that has to be a good thing. I think Moss has unfortunately become what every professional Extreme Boule player fears, irrelevant in the sport they hold so dear. I respect what he's done but he is of no serious concern to Balance Boy.

How confident are you about your chances at the trophy this year?

When I play I believe I have the ability to win every match. I'm no fool though, there's some great talent out there this season. To win would be incredible but I'd settle for mixing things up and causing a stir whilst maintaining a top 3 spot.

Thanks, It's been a pleasure learning about you today.

Balance boy doesn't answer. He tilts his head to the side and stares straight through this Boules Reporter....

Young's Brewery Domination - Crooked Billet

Date: 11/03/12

Location: Crooked Billet Conservation Area - Wimbledon Common.
Weather: Almost time to cut the legs off of your corduroy.
Extreme Rating: **
Dangers & Annoyances: Balls knocking over your ale. Kids' attraction to glistening Boules.
Consumables: Cask ale and Roast dinners.

Result:

D. Woolridge: 11

B. Martin (aka Balance Boy): 6

M. Hopkins: 6

Match Report:

Amongst families, wombles and spilt ale. The players looked calmer than perhaps they should considering the leader-board this season. The three played strongly, their boules shiny and their aims true. Martin, particularly wowed the crowds with a new (futuristic) move; the Hadoken. Possibly derived from an ancient Japanese Boules technique in which the player defies gravity by levitating into the air, with a full rotation of the arm (concentrating your force on the Brachioradialis muscles) drive the Boule with such force into the ground that it embeds in the earth wherever it lands. (similar to the existing "DIG IN" technique, preferred by a port drinker). Martin practiced his new technique with varying degrees of success. This new move however was no match from the calm and focused power of Woolridge, apparently back on form, which nobody there expected to see. (Woolridge was quoted after the match in admitting holding the child of your opponent gives you some sort of spiritual power over them, and that Martin never stood a chance). Hopkins' flamboyant style that he is famous for was almost non-existent in this match. With most of his moves looking similar to if he was just emptying his pockets. A fine match.

Archival Photo

Rumours of the first matches of the 2012 season this weekend are on the wind....

World Rankings!

Congratulations to Mr. Martin on truly splendid Boule Playing at Llangain. You now hold the Extreme Boule title!

Llangain Four-Day Match Result

Date: 14/10/11 - 17/10/11

Location: Llangain Farmhouse & Barn. Hay on Wye.
Weather: Clear & Crisp.
Extreme Rating: * * * * * *
Dangers & Annoyances: Birds of prey and an approaching winter.
Consumables: Ale, Port, Whiskey, Cuban Cigars, Cured Meats & Cheeses.

Result:

D. Woolridge 34

B. Martin 23

G. Searle 17

M. Hopkins 15

T. Wort 11 

L. Godden 4

K. Searle 0

B. Godden 0

S. Murphy 0

J. Godden 0

Match Report:

A gruelling four day match set against the sloping hills of the Wye Valley. Ten contestants battled it out on the green lustrous grass of Llangain farm. An age difference of 26 years between the oldest and youngest players added an edge of extremity to the match, the older players clearly rattled by the forward thinking techniques and plays of the youth. However, experience reigned supreme over the younglings, no one under the ripe age of 30 can be seen in the top five! Huzzah!


There were mutinous discussions against the organisers of the four day game. Some players and spectators alike, claiming an unfairness at games that were being played when not all players had even arrived, or indeed, long since left the arena.


Newcomers to the tournament, Searle and Martin came away with extremely impressive scores, especially. Woolridge cleared up overall with an eleven point lead, clearly desperate to win.
All could agree however, on the beauty of the arena itself. It lead to an air of calm over play. There's nothing like tossing the orb when you can hear an owl hooting somewhere down in the valley. A glorious weekend for the sport.