SW19 - Balance Boy's Triumph

Date: 11/03/12

Location: Crooked Billet Conservation Area - Wimbledon Common.

Result:

B. Martin (aka Balance Boy): 11

D. Woolridge: 9

M. Hopkins: 6

Match Report:

The second match of the day saw B. Martin (aka Balance Boy) on better form. Although this reporter thought that his cowardly objection to the Devil Round (when during a three player match all players scores stand at 6, the following "Devil Round" is scored double) was anything but "fresh" there was no mistaking that Martin deserved this win. Hopkins revived some of his flair (by holding the child of Martin, no doubt) although never quite matching the skill of Woolridge and the winner.

Clearly dissapointed

Young's Brewery Domination - Crooked Billet

Date: 11/03/12

Location: Crooked Billet Conservation Area - Wimbledon Common.
Weather: Almost time to cut the legs off of your corduroy.
Extreme Rating: **
Dangers & Annoyances: Balls knocking over your ale. Kids' attraction to glistening Boules.
Consumables: Cask ale and Roast dinners.

Result:

D. Woolridge: 11

B. Martin (aka Balance Boy): 6

M. Hopkins: 6

Match Report:

Amongst families, wombles and spilt ale. The players looked calmer than perhaps they should considering the leader-board this season. The three played strongly, their boules shiny and their aims true. Martin, particularly wowed the crowds with a new (futuristic) move; the Hadoken. Possibly derived from an ancient Japanese Boules technique in which the player defies gravity by levitating into the air, with a full rotation of the arm (concentrating your force on the Brachioradialis muscles) drive the Boule with such force into the ground that it embeds in the earth wherever it lands. (similar to the existing "DIG IN" technique, preferred by a port drinker). Martin practiced his new technique with varying degrees of success. This new move however was no match from the calm and focused power of Woolridge, apparently back on form, which nobody there expected to see. (Woolridge was quoted after the match in admitting holding the child of your opponent gives you some sort of spiritual power over them, and that Martin never stood a chance). Hopkins' flamboyant style that he is famous for was almost non-existent in this match. With most of his moves looking similar to if he was just emptying his pockets. A fine match.

Llangain Four-Day Match Result

Date: 14/10/11 - 17/10/11

Location: Llangain Farmhouse & Barn. Hay on Wye.
Weather: Clear & Crisp.
Extreme Rating: * * * * * *
Dangers & Annoyances: Birds of prey and an approaching winter.
Consumables: Ale, Port, Whiskey, Cuban Cigars, Cured Meats & Cheeses.

Result:

D. Woolridge 34

B. Martin 23

G. Searle 17

M. Hopkins 15

T. Wort 11 

L. Godden 4

K. Searle 0

B. Godden 0

S. Murphy 0

J. Godden 0

Match Report:

A gruelling four day match set against the sloping hills of the Wye Valley. Ten contestants battled it out on the green lustrous grass of Llangain farm. An age difference of 26 years between the oldest and youngest players added an edge of extremity to the match, the older players clearly rattled by the forward thinking techniques and plays of the youth. However, experience reigned supreme over the younglings, no one under the ripe age of 30 can be seen in the top five! Huzzah!


There were mutinous discussions against the organisers of the four day game. Some players and spectators alike, claiming an unfairness at games that were being played when not all players had even arrived, or indeed, long since left the arena.


Newcomers to the tournament, Searle and Martin came away with extremely impressive scores, especially. Woolridge cleared up overall with an eleven point lead, clearly desperate to win.
All could agree however, on the beauty of the arena itself. It lead to an air of calm over play. There's nothing like tossing the orb when you can hear an owl hooting somewhere down in the valley. A glorious weekend for the sport.

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Wednesday Dusk Match
Date: 29/9/11
Location: Cock Pond, Clapham Common, London
Weather conditions: Shorts & T-shirts. Unseasonable.
Extreme Rating: * * 

Dangers & Annoyances: Gluttony.

Consumables: Coley, Haddock, Chips, Mushy Peas. Old Speckled Hen. Diet Coke.

Result:
Darren Woolridge - 9 points

Sam Murphy - 5 points

Mike Hopkins - 1 point


Newcomer Hopkins struggled with the sass-mouth of the more seasoned players, finally brushing away the cloud of fear that had been shrouding his game with a sharp glugg of ale, allowing him a point. Much to the pleasure of the spectators, despite his un-sportsmanlike attitude. Murphy failed to regain the game the previous night had held and was left behind by the unstoppable force of Woolridge, who, despite being drunk and belligerent, held his aim true. (It is worth noting that the winning party had also consumed the most beer and finished the most fish and chips. Coincidence?)