23.10.11
21.10.11
World Rankings!
Congratulations to Mr. Martin on truly splendid Boule Playing at Llangain. You now hold the Extreme Boule title!
Llangain Four-Day Match Result
Date: 14/10/11 - 17/10/11
Location: Llangain Farmhouse & Barn. Hay on Wye.
Weather: Clear & Crisp.
Extreme Rating: * * * * * *
Dangers & Annoyances: Birds of prey and an approaching winter.
Consumables: Ale, Port, Whiskey, Cuban Cigars, Cured Meats & Cheeses.
Weather: Clear & Crisp.
Extreme Rating: * * * * * *
Dangers & Annoyances: Birds of prey and an approaching winter.
Consumables: Ale, Port, Whiskey, Cuban Cigars, Cured Meats & Cheeses.
Result:
D. Woolridge 34
B. Martin 23
G. Searle 17
M. Hopkins 15
T. Wort 11
L. Godden 4
K. Searle 0
B. Godden 0
S. Murphy 0
J. Godden 0
Match Report:
A gruelling four day match set against the sloping hills of the Wye Valley. Ten contestants battled it out on the green lustrous grass of Llangain farm. An age difference of 26 years between the oldest and youngest players added an edge of extremity to the match, the older players clearly rattled by the forward thinking techniques and plays of the youth. However, experience reigned supreme over the younglings, no one under the ripe age of 30 can be seen in the top five! Huzzah!There were mutinous discussions against the organisers of the four day game. Some players and spectators alike, claiming an unfairness at games that were being played when not all players had even arrived, or indeed, long since left the arena.
Newcomers to the tournament, Searle and Martin came away with extremely impressive scores, especially. Woolridge cleared up overall with an eleven point lead, clearly desperate to win.
All could agree however, on the beauty of the arena itself. It lead to an air of calm over play. There's nothing like tossing the orb when you can hear an owl hooting somewhere down in the valley. A glorious weekend for the sport.
20.10.11
11.10.11
Sunday Post-lunch Match
Date: 09/10/11
Location: Back Garden. London SW4.
Weather: Overcast but clement.
Extreme Rating: *
Dangers & Annoyances: Dial-a-flight.
Consumables: None. (Although both players had both just had lunch. Roast Beef and Salmon, respectively).
Weather: Overcast but clement.
Extreme Rating: *
Dangers & Annoyances: Dial-a-flight.
Consumables: None. (Although both players had both just had lunch. Roast Beef and Salmon, respectively).
Result:
Mike Hopkins - 11 points
Darren Woolridge - 5 points
Match Report:
After allowing Woolridge a five point lead, something happened inside Hopkins. Spectators said that they could actually see his Boule Glowing! He quickly scored 11 points in quick succession with his flamboyant, cock-sure throws. Woolridge could be heard muttering about dial-a-flight, he didn't seem to have his mind on the game. Both players agreed that the thick lustrous grass made for a pleasing, if not very extreme game.
9.10.11
The Battle of the Lower Plants
Date: 07/10/11
Location: Terrain behind Pedal Power, Bute Park
Weather: A balmy evening
Extreme Rating: * * * (A double sloping pitch with concrete areas)
Dangers & Annoyances: Boy scouts, the lack of light.
Consumables: Tanglefoot ale and far too much port.
Match Report: As darkness quickly descended Moss and Wort battled it out for the right to not be bottom of the World Rankings. Both players used the sloping terrain to demonstrate some extreme action, with Moss fresh from his intensive week long training session in Spain. Playing with 5 boule each the points racked up, with Moss picking up 10 points in what must be record time. With the game tied at 20 all, play was halted due to darkness and relocated to next to a street light. After some interfering boy scouts held up play, Wort claimed the narrowess of victories.
Shots of the Day: Moss' 10 point bonanza scored in a matter of minutes.
Location: Terrain behind Pedal Power, Bute Park
Weather: A balmy evening
Extreme Rating: * * * (A double sloping pitch with concrete areas)
Dangers & Annoyances: Boy scouts, the lack of light.
Consumables: Tanglefoot ale and far too much port.
Match Report: As darkness quickly descended Moss and Wort battled it out for the right to not be bottom of the World Rankings. Both players used the sloping terrain to demonstrate some extreme action, with Moss fresh from his intensive week long training session in Spain. Playing with 5 boule each the points racked up, with Moss picking up 10 points in what must be record time. With the game tied at 20 all, play was halted due to darkness and relocated to next to a street light. After some interfering boy scouts held up play, Wort claimed the narrowess of victories.
Shots of the Day: Moss' 10 point bonanza scored in a matter of minutes.
7.10.11
Extreme Boules Terminology
Below are some examples of Extreme Boules terminology that may be overheard in games. Please feel free to add your own and help build up the Dictionary of Extreme Boule.
Cat's Licked Your Bacon - (i) A player who on the surface seems very pleased with themself after some impressive play or a turn of luck.
(ii) A player forced to persevere with what appears to be an enjoyable action, but which deep down carries a terrible burden, all because of a curse.
To Pull a Hornblower - A player who seems to have disregarded all concept of scoring points / winning and is instead playing with joyful abandonment and reckless happiness.
e.g. Player A: "Seb's lost it, he's delirious and nowhere near the jack."
Player B: " I think he may be pulling a Hornblower."
Kisser - To land a boule so close that it really touches the jack. In some games this results in double points.
Collinson - To heavily rely on port to improve your aim.
e.g Player A: "Seb's got better since the port came out."
Player B: "He's entering a State of Collinson."
Collinson Round - When the jack is replaced with a consumable, most traditionally a bottle of Collinson's port. Damage to the consumable often results in negative points. This round is seen as a true test of courage.
I wouldn't want a ticket for that showing! - A term, possibly borrowed from Dominoes, for a bad round of boule.
An Act of Gressier - To carry out an obscene action that is intended to offend your opponents and thus put them off their game. Legal in the game of Extreme Boule but rarely practised thankfully.
e.g. Player A: Stan's shorts are too short - he's exposing his testicle with each lunge. I'm finding it hard to focus.
Player B: He's commiting an Act of Gressier, which are permitted in the rules, so just get on with it.
Port Kiss - The act of kissing your boule with port stained lips before tossing it in the hope of improving your aim. Yet to be proven to have any scientific value.
Playing like a docker / sailor - To play well, albeit in a rough and ready manner. Both dockers and sailors are traditionally believed to be fine Extreme Boule players.
Playing like an 18th Century docker/sailor. To play even better than above.
Boule Tap - The sound of Boule being tapped together. Most commonly used as a sign of applause and appreciation. However it has been reported as being used in a derisive, taughting manner as well. Occasionally refered to as the Geiger Counter.
Cockburn's Grip - (a) The manner of holding a bottle of Cockburn's Port, a very common refreshment during Extreme Boule games.
(b) A players technique for holding a boule.
e.g. Player A: "Sebs throwing his boule in a weird way."
Player B: "He's trying out a new Cockburn's Grip"
(c) An obscure yet influential musical act on the Creamhorn Record's label.
To play under the influence - To play without the influence of alcohol. To play sober.
Goose - When the boule arrange themselves to form a V shape i.e. the formation geese adopt when streamline flying. A magical event when it happens in a match, which should be celebrated.
Dig In! - A call bellowed whilst the boule is mid air which hopes to encourage the boule to land with no bounce.
Carry On! - A call bellowed (often in a panicked fashion) to encourage a boule in motion to continue rolling and thus close in on the jack.
Jack Chasing - The art of playing boule whilst walking.
Canon-boule - To propel a boule with such force that it smashes into the terrain leaving a boule imprint.
Destructo - boule - The act of using a boule to smash your opponents boule (s) out the way, recalibrating the field of play and thus 'reseting the clocks'.
Reseting the Clocks - To reset the pitch i.e. to change the position of the jack and/or boules during a round.
Double kisser - To have two boule touching the jack. Pure magic.
Fecal - boule - When a boule is covered, accidently or deliberately, with fecal mater and still used in a round. Despite claims that a fecal-boule helps to put off opponents, there is yet to be any scientific evidence to show the advantages or disadvantages of playing with a fecal-boule.
High Jacking - The collision of two boule mid air. Can occur accidently, or as a deliberate act of aggression. It is believed that having a boule 'high jacked' can shatter a players confidence.
Swan Round - The unusual practice of creating a swan shape out of tin foil and resting the jack on the head. A very specialist play.
Presenting a Gift - When the jack is relocated towards the end of the game (the clocks are reset) into a new position away from all the boules, giving the next player an easy target.
Gift Snatcher - A player who takes the points when the jack is presented as gift.
Gentleman's Co-efficient - Proposed new rule that states players should receive points for consuming port during a game. Very controversial.
Cat's Licked Your Bacon - (i) A player who on the surface seems very pleased with themself after some impressive play or a turn of luck.
(ii) A player forced to persevere with what appears to be an enjoyable action, but which deep down carries a terrible burden, all because of a curse.
To Pull a Hornblower - A player who seems to have disregarded all concept of scoring points / winning and is instead playing with joyful abandonment and reckless happiness.
e.g. Player A: "Seb's lost it, he's delirious and nowhere near the jack."
Player B: " I think he may be pulling a Hornblower."
Kisser - To land a boule so close that it really touches the jack. In some games this results in double points.
Collinson - To heavily rely on port to improve your aim.
e.g Player A: "Seb's got better since the port came out."
Player B: "He's entering a State of Collinson."
Collinson Round - When the jack is replaced with a consumable, most traditionally a bottle of Collinson's port. Damage to the consumable often results in negative points. This round is seen as a true test of courage.
I wouldn't want a ticket for that showing! - A term, possibly borrowed from Dominoes, for a bad round of boule.
An Act of Gressier - To carry out an obscene action that is intended to offend your opponents and thus put them off their game. Legal in the game of Extreme Boule but rarely practised thankfully.
e.g. Player A: Stan's shorts are too short - he's exposing his testicle with each lunge. I'm finding it hard to focus.
Player B: He's commiting an Act of Gressier, which are permitted in the rules, so just get on with it.
Port Kiss - The act of kissing your boule with port stained lips before tossing it in the hope of improving your aim. Yet to be proven to have any scientific value.
Playing like a docker / sailor - To play well, albeit in a rough and ready manner. Both dockers and sailors are traditionally believed to be fine Extreme Boule players.
Playing like an 18th Century docker/sailor. To play even better than above.
Boule Tap - The sound of Boule being tapped together. Most commonly used as a sign of applause and appreciation. However it has been reported as being used in a derisive, taughting manner as well. Occasionally refered to as the Geiger Counter.
Cockburn's Grip - (a) The manner of holding a bottle of Cockburn's Port, a very common refreshment during Extreme Boule games.
(b) A players technique for holding a boule.
e.g. Player A: "Sebs throwing his boule in a weird way."
Player B: "He's trying out a new Cockburn's Grip"
(c) An obscure yet influential musical act on the Creamhorn Record's label.
To play under the influence - To play without the influence of alcohol. To play sober.
Goose - When the boule arrange themselves to form a V shape i.e. the formation geese adopt when streamline flying. A magical event when it happens in a match, which should be celebrated.
Dig In! - A call bellowed whilst the boule is mid air which hopes to encourage the boule to land with no bounce.
Carry On! - A call bellowed (often in a panicked fashion) to encourage a boule in motion to continue rolling and thus close in on the jack.
Jack Chasing - The art of playing boule whilst walking.
Canon-boule - To propel a boule with such force that it smashes into the terrain leaving a boule imprint.
Destructo - boule - The act of using a boule to smash your opponents boule (s) out the way, recalibrating the field of play and thus 'reseting the clocks'.
Reseting the Clocks - To reset the pitch i.e. to change the position of the jack and/or boules during a round.
Double kisser - To have two boule touching the jack. Pure magic.
Fecal - boule - When a boule is covered, accidently or deliberately, with fecal mater and still used in a round. Despite claims that a fecal-boule helps to put off opponents, there is yet to be any scientific evidence to show the advantages or disadvantages of playing with a fecal-boule.
High Jacking - The collision of two boule mid air. Can occur accidently, or as a deliberate act of aggression. It is believed that having a boule 'high jacked' can shatter a players confidence.
Swan Round - The unusual practice of creating a swan shape out of tin foil and resting the jack on the head. A very specialist play.
Presenting a Gift - When the jack is relocated towards the end of the game (the clocks are reset) into a new position away from all the boules, giving the next player an easy target.
Gift Snatcher - A player who takes the points when the jack is presented as gift.
Gentleman's Co-efficient - Proposed new rule that states players should receive points for consuming port during a game. Very controversial.
6.10.11
5.10.11
Archive Image
An image from the archives... pictured are three gentleman extreme boulers enjoying the pursuit in the mountains of Wales. Please note the unusual UFO in the sky, which seems to be crash landing.
Extreme Boule Art
The genre of Extreme Boule Art is an under appreciated and misunderstood artform. Below is a fine example from the Contemporary Extreme Boule Art scene by Extreme Boule Player artist Mr. Stanley Charles. There are many interpretations. Enjoy...
The World Rankings
Here are the current rankings in the Extreme Boule World Championship....
How it works...
As befitting the complex, emotionally draining game of Extreme Boule, here's how the rankings are decided, in a suitably complex, emotionally draining way. Never to be explained ever again...
a) A point is awarded for each opponent defeated. For example if you win a four man game, you get three championship points as you have defeated three opponents. If you finish second in this game you get two championship points for defeating two opponents and so on.
b) A bonus three championship points is awarded to the winner of the game.
c) A bonus two championship points is awarded to anyone who reached the magic boule number of 21 during a game.
d) Every point a player scores during a boule match will be added up as the season progresses. For every 10 match points the player obtains (whether in one game or added up over a number of games), the player will recieve one bonus championship point. For example if a player has scored over 10 game points during the season they will obtain one bonus championship point, if they pass 20 game points they obtain another bonus championship point.
e) Once all the championship points are added up for the player, this number will be divided by the number of games played by the player to get an average championship point score, otherwise known as Rattenbury Points. This score will be used to decided the rankings.
f) If players have the same Rattenbury Points and are therefore tied in the rankings, then the number of games played will be used to decide who has the higher rank (the more games the better). If players are still tied, then the rank will be decided on the ancient Extreme Boule Law of second letter of surname reverse order (i.e. Z is the best, A is the worst.)
g) If a player wishes to question this system please contact the Extreme Boule Administration Department using the following email: deardeidre@thesun.co.uk or by writing to the following address: Jack Rattenbury, The Rob Roy of the West, Smugglers Cave, Beer, Dorset.
- J. Murray ........................... 5 Rattenbury Points
- S. Murphy .......................... 2.5
- M. Hopkins ........................ 2.5
- D. Woolridge ...................... 2
- T. Wort ............................... 0.5
- S. Moss ............................... 0
How it works...
As befitting the complex, emotionally draining game of Extreme Boule, here's how the rankings are decided, in a suitably complex, emotionally draining way. Never to be explained ever again...
a) A point is awarded for each opponent defeated. For example if you win a four man game, you get three championship points as you have defeated three opponents. If you finish second in this game you get two championship points for defeating two opponents and so on.
b) A bonus three championship points is awarded to the winner of the game.
c) A bonus two championship points is awarded to anyone who reached the magic boule number of 21 during a game.
d) Every point a player scores during a boule match will be added up as the season progresses. For every 10 match points the player obtains (whether in one game or added up over a number of games), the player will recieve one bonus championship point. For example if a player has scored over 10 game points during the season they will obtain one bonus championship point, if they pass 20 game points they obtain another bonus championship point.
e) Once all the championship points are added up for the player, this number will be divided by the number of games played by the player to get an average championship point score, otherwise known as Rattenbury Points. This score will be used to decided the rankings.
f) If players have the same Rattenbury Points and are therefore tied in the rankings, then the number of games played will be used to decide who has the higher rank (the more games the better). If players are still tied, then the rank will be decided on the ancient Extreme Boule Law of second letter of surname reverse order (i.e. Z is the best, A is the worst.)
g) If a player wishes to question this system please contact the Extreme Boule Administration Department using the following email: deardeidre@thesun.co.uk or by writing to the following address: Jack Rattenbury, The Rob Roy of the West, Smugglers Cave, Beer, Dorset.
3.10.11
Sinister Summer Match
Sunday Lunch Match
Date: 02/10/11
Location: North Field, Clapham Common, London
Weather conditions: Too hot for October.
Extreme Rating: *
Dangers & Annoyances: Global Warming. Sunbathers.Date: 02/10/11
Location: North Field, Clapham Common, London
Weather conditions: Too hot for October.
Extreme Rating: *
Consumables: A bottle of hot lemon squash.
Mike Hopkins - 11 points
Darren Woolridge - 9 points
October 2nd on Clapham Common, the scene of a grudge-match between Hopkins and Woolridge. Hopkins' had a swagger about him which suggested that he had something to prove to the crowds, donning a elegantly erotic 'topless' style which hopefully will become his trademark playing style throughout winter.
Immediately, it was clear that Hopkins meant business, picking up 9 near-consecutive points. The heat obviously getting to Woolridge; he could be seen wavering, until the nutrients from a fizzy lemon iced lollypop allowed him a comeback streak with some truly formidable shots.
Hopkins used the terrain to his advantage and developed a backspin move which saw his boule stopping dead as if by magic, leading to a deserved win.
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