Lockdown Extreme Boule

Another match report, fresh from the shores of Loch Long, as Stanley Topalian took on Rowan Topalian in a lockdown special. Stanley, the self proclaimed 'Lord Topalian of Arrochar' took the victory over Rowan ' Schiehallion Sparkle Unicorn' Topalian in a classic 16 - 13 victory. The match was notable for the younger Topalian attempting a new tactic simply called 'Not Cheating' (see terminology section for more information).

Game score:
S. Topalian - 16
R. Topalian - 13

S. Topalian, pictured recently.

Social Distancing Extreme Boule

Exciting Extreme Boule news from Scotland where we have records sent through of (possibly) the 1st game of social distancing Covid Boule. The details are scarce but the results is as follows:

1. Matt 'Carrier' Keast  - 7 
2. Stanley 'Infectious' Topalian  - 5
3. Lucy 'Dry Cough' Topalian  - 2

Special mention to Rowan '2 Metres' Topalian for acting as a Jack God.

Unfortunately due to an administrative error we have no photo of the game, but instead have this highly accurate artists depiction of Keast's crucial shot of the game.

2019 Champion

The players walk the rain sodden back streets of Cardiff, itching to play, hoping to find that allusive extreme spot that will allow a true round of boule to be played. They stop for ale, then stop for some more. Now is it time for boule? No, a little more ale first. And then something to quench the thirst. Maybe some ale. Night has fallen and thoughts turn back to boule – could the street itself host an  round of extreme boule. It’s been done before, in these very streets – but it doesn’t feel right. The players walk on and stop off at a shop. Bottles of cherry wine and cheap port are bought. The clock approaches midnight, and that means Monday morning is approaching – surely the time for boule has passed.

The players return to their hotel and decide on one more for their road in the hotel room. The room is cramped, but they fit in. The cherry wine is opened, lips are stained and eyes are widened. Without a word, the boule are taken from their case. Their earthy metallic scent fills the small space. It is now apparent that a  game is about to break out in this 4m square room. This feels extreme. This feels right. A glug of port and the banter begins. Woolridge is there, a world champion of old, his eyes misty. Wort, like a relic from a bygone age of extreme boule glugs back his wine. Moss, once the housewives’ favourite in the extreme boule world – limbers up with that bravado of old.

The cherry wine is finished, the boule are readied. But then the air is sucked from the room, ghosts appear all around and all eyes are drawn to a small object produced from Woolridges’ bag. The Extreme Boule trophy is in the room. The environment changes, the spirits of the extreme boule legends of old watch on, peeping, leering as the port is sipped.  It feels right to say an Extreme Boule champion will be crowned tonight.

The game is a blur – the boule clatter over beds, through shower cubicles, and into history.

One man holds his swagger, controlling the silver orbs like Gressier. He lands the crucial point, grasps the trophy, and passes out on the bed. He may be dead, but what a way to go! Seb Moss is Extreme Boule Champion 2019.

An absence of recording and social media, but not an absence of Extreme Boule.

A boule clatters into the pebbles, its rusted shell apathetic to the presence of the nearby Jack despite the vocal urges of its launcher. A primordial shout, then a wizened sigh. There will be another chance soon. 

Another boule skids off the seaweed heading further and further away from the jack, nestling in the bladderwrack. Both now temporary abandoned, briefly unloved - the seaweed by the tide, the boule by its deliverer.

The Jack sits on the shingle nestled near a cracked limpet shell, a hollowed whelk and a patch of egg wreck. These are it's only companions. No boule are near, as all previous shotss are poor, just botchy boule you might say. The next player takes aim, with the jack sat in acres of space there is so much to aim for, so much to hope for. A gift is waiting to be snatched. Their hand clutches the boule, preparing for his next shot. There is a slight quiver in their arm - like a mother elephant gently caressing her calf with her trunk. The player nurtures the boule, waiting for the time to be right to launch the boule

An oyster catcher calls out  - is that Gressier sending support? The Lochs surface shimmers with a grey foreboding- Hornblowers spirit is there. The lichen covered rocks briefly take the form of Gwen Thomas, offering encouragement and a seal pops it head of the water - Woolridge is watching. The jackdaw on the harbour wall is now Hopkins, a dog Walker transforms into Pippa Waterman, the anemone clasping to the rock is Perrot. On the limestone pebbles the face of Grandad John Gillard forms, quickly shifting to Richard Waterman as the light chances. The history of extreme boule is etched into the landscape, whispering, urging, knowing. The player, Stanley Topalian, knows this. He looks to the jack, 12m away. Thoughts race through his head…  the terrain is uneven and unpredictable. Perhaps the limpet shell could act as a backstop, guiding the boule towards the jack? Maybe the raft of seaweed looks promising. It is a good 3m from the jack but would catch the boule, securing the boule.  No one else’s boule are anywhere near, so this would win the round. It would be  a safe shot and an easy point -  a gift offered and taken.

Topalian looks around, his thoughts uneasy. The safety shot, the easy point doesn’t feel right. He looks up - the lichen is now just lichen, the pebbles expressionless, the water calm, the seal gone. The gods, the heroes of the past, they have all left him now. The safety shot to the seaweed it is – no glory but an easy point will be his. He looks at his boule ready to launch. He passes for a second, as a slight reflection on the boule catches his eye. He peers at the metal orb, rusted from years of use but still reflective in patches. Was the boule used in the famous James Perrot Ham House match? Maybe it was one of the ones launched from the top of a Brecon Beacon? Did Balance Boy Ben Martin once polish it before decadently launching towards a jack? Perhaps it was even present in one of those pioneering graveyards matches almost 2 decades ago? If only boule could talk, Topalian thought. He stared at the boule. His own haggard catweazley expression reflected back at him. But what was this? His reflection began to morph – his eyes were now longer mildewy and tired but chestnut brown and alive with promise. His hair and beard glistened like a fresh conker and skin was now bronzed and, well, French. It was no longer his reflection. He was staring at Jean Baptiste Gressier. It was the Extreme Boule pioneer, part man part God, unheard of for almost 15 years,  starring back at him. Gressier’s succulent red lips pursed, a drop of golden spittle glistening in  the corner of his mouth. It looked as if he was about to blow a kiss -  Topalians heart raced. The sweet taste of port flooded Topalian’s mouth and yet it was hours since his morning gulp - what was happening to him?

Gressier mouthed those words, unprintable but all too real to Topalian.

Topalian didn't understand French but he knew what to do. No safety shot. No easy point. By Gressier, he was going to land his boule directly by the jack. NO, he was going to land on the jack. An exquisite kisser -  a dream of a shot. This terrain could be tamed. These conditions mastered. This would be a  shot that would be talked about for months, years even. 

He swung his arm and released. The boule arced through the air. Could it land directly on top of the jack and balance there? Would it be the greatest shot ever?

The boule the shingle with a thud 5 metres from the jack, smacking into an iron bru can, tossed up in the previous high tide. It ricocheted crudely to left away from the jack bouncing past a discarded plastic spoon . It was already a complete cynt of a shot. On it rolled further from the jack, over the sand past a used tissue, past an opponent's boule, then another. A slight change of direction on touching the broken buckfast bottle, and the jack long out of reach now.  On it trundled, pass the final opponent’s boule to finally nestle in a dog turd, or possibly human judging by its sizeable girth.

The round was over and the point was lost. Dejected Topalian walked the walk of shame to collect this abject failure of a shot. Why had Gressier and the other boule legends forsaken him? Had all the omens meant nothing? He picked up the boule. As he wiped the fecal matter off on a wheat crunchie packet, he caught site of the reflection in the boule again- it was Gressier, slightly browned, but still Gressier. A broad French smile spread across the face in the boule, vibrant through the shit. Topalian understood. This was true meaning of it all. This was Extreme Boule. 

Funghi Frenzy 30/10/18

Players/scores:

T. WORT - 9

D. WOOLRIDGE - 11

Dangers and annoyances: possibly poisonous mushrooms & tetanus from rusted Boules.

Like an Inca

Taste: quinine

Appearance: Aztec

Would you buy 2? Not of this showing

Would you buy 4? Hose me down!!!

Rating (out of 7): 5

Scores:

D Woolridge: 11
T Wort: 7

Location:Heol-y- Coed,Pontyclun,United Kingdom

11 past midnight

Score:

Darren Woolridge: 13
Tim Wort: 10

Battle amongst the brassicas.

Location:Heol-y- Coed,Pontyclun,United Kingdom

Arrochar Time Lapse Duel

Over a dozen ago, Messrs Topalian and Wort first faced each other in extreme boule battle and have had countless duels since. Now separated by a country or two, the chances for an extreme boule match between the two have decreased like the gentle ebbing of a sipped bottle of port.

Maps, washing basket, boule

 

 

However fate placed Wort on the shores of Loch Long one fine sunny morning - the residence of one Stanley Topalian. Surely a game was on! Fate is however a cruel beast (probably a spiteful puma or maybe a hoggan) and Topalian had to leave early to work in the hills. Not to be deterred, these wizened old heads decided to explore the 4th dimension - time. Topalian played his finest shot out on the turf and then left the game as it was. He then he departed into the mists. Time past, the boule and jack remained motionless. Wort arrived and prepared to complete,this timelapsed oddity of a match. In many ways time itself was being conquered. What could possibly go wrong?

Boule in a washing basket

Cuddly Stingray (see terminology) that's what. Toddler Rowan relocated her father's shot to the washing basket, far away from the jack. Wort had been presented a gift. But not for long, a second toddler entered the fray and scattered random boule onto the pitch causing chaos and in the process putting Topalian back into the winning position. The match look set for a Topalian victory, until... the jack was relocated by a concerned spectator worried that a toddler could possibly eat the small ball. As this is Extreme Boule the match continued until the spectator safely put the jack in a glass on top of raised surface. The match was complete and, thanks to the boule spirits of old, Wort had somehow ended up closest!

Toddlers discussing the relocation of boule mid game

Current UK rankings!

The current UK Extreme Boule rankings have now been updated following some recent action in Pamphill, Dorset and Loch Lomond, Scotland.

Here is the current top 10:

1. Tom Butcher
2. Darren Woolridge
3. Stan Topalian
4. Lucy Topalian
5. Mike Hopkins
6. Tim Wort
7. Nick Liston
8. Gwen Thomas
9. Andre Ziegler
10. Kate Robinson

Tom Butcher holds onto the top spot. Players slipping into the top 10 include the Godmother of Extreme Boule, Gwen Thomas and former Champion, Mike Hopkins!

EUxtreme Boule

Panicked by the EU referendum results in the UK? Worried about what lies ahead. Well when everything goes a little nuts... reach for a boule and go extreme.

 

Extreme Boulers will always be united wherever they are from!

 

 

 

In other news...

The administration department of Extreme Boule has had a little springtime hibernation, as is traditional. Matches have been played, results submitted and then... well nothing.

 

In truth the administration department has been awol - some say lost in Australia, others say drunk on cheap port and sleeping on a bench in Ebbw Vale. However the department is now back and up and running and SkyNet (the extreme boule database) is as self-sufficient as always, in a completely unworrying way. Numbers will be crunched and a new leaderboard generated in the near future.

 

Watch this space...

 

 

Current UK rankings for 2016

The current rankings in the UK Extreme Boule 2016 championship....

1. Tom Butcher
2. Darren Woolridge
3. Stan Topalian
4. Lucy Topalian
5. Tim Wort
6. Andre Ziegler
7. Nick Liston
8. Kez Pratchett
9. Lindsay Cooper

Butcher's Iconic Bounce Back

There is one name of the lips of every Extreme Boule lover at the moment... Tom Butcher. An unknown in the sport, Butcher has invented the move of 2016, dubbed by some as Butcher's Iconic Bounce Back (see the Terminology section for and explanation). One reporter even went as far to liken him to a older James Perrot mixed with an younger Grandad John and a tawny owl - that is some praise! Could he be the 2016 World Champion?

Bristol match report

An extreme boule match report or two reached us from Bristol....

New boules results from the land of the short lounge game:
Tom Butcher- 5
Stanley Topalian- 3
Lucy Topalian- 1

the most amazing boules from this year's newcomer mr butcher. The round was a classic 'pot jaque' round in which stanley had already landed his boule in the pot and knocked it over so it faced away from butcher. Then with the final play of the round, he cast his boule to rebound off the sofa and into the pot uprighting it in the process. The crowd went wild. The strongest contender for outsiders choice for this years championship i feel. Even at this early stage...

Mini game. Outside on Clifton down, bristol
Stanley topalian-6
nick Ilston-4
lucy topalian-2

2016 Season begins... in a Scottish living room!

Extreme boule takes on many forms... mountain launches, urban duals, bog show downs, rock pool squirmishes. As long as it's boule and it's extreme it counts. That the 2016 season has exploded into life in a Scottish living room should surprise no one. A number of intriguing  battles have taken place amongst the soft furnishings and hard dreams of the Scottish extreme boulers.

Long time extreme bouler Stan Topalian has faxed in these match reports...

Game 1! 1st game played on Scottish soil (carpet) of 2016 results as follows:
Topalian, Lucy-21
Topalian, Stanley-9
Some stunning come-back Boules from the matriarch of the Topalian clan. The game was played from a fixed throwing position (the sofa) with a variety of obstacles placed and jaques used for different rounds (tables, rocking chair, Noah and his beasts...). All played with traditional 'indoor' mini-Boules.
The final round, rather controversially,  was a super close play in the style of 'circle-round-the-jaque' where the jaque was placed just out of arms reach atop a thermos flask (flasque?). Both players opted to utilise the superior length of their hind limbs to place their Boules thereby giving advantage to the final 'throw' of the match.
pictures will follow...

Game 2! Another win for the Topalian matriarch! In a 3 way 'triangle' game she destroyed the opposition coming from behind strongly at the end in a micro  indoor match. Final scores-

lucy Topalian-5
stanley Topalian-4
kez Patchett-3


Match 3! Pass this one on to the bastard administration! Another honourable mini round of sofa boules-
1st- stanley 'hornblower' Topalian-4
2nd- lucy 'big mother' Topalian-3
3rd- lindsey 'allergy' cooper-2

 

Extreme Boule Rankings 2015

Here are the final places for the 2015 Extreme Boule season...

1. Pippa Cox
2. Geraint Burrows
3. Seb Moss
4. Darren Woolridge
5. Sam Charles
6. Jim Murray
7. Rowan Charles
8. Tim Wort
9. Rich Waterman
10. Stan Topalian
11. Catrin Davies
12. George Charles
13. Tom Butcher
14. Mark Swain
15. Huw Walters
16. Sioned Jones
17. Ed Hughes
18. Ben Martin
19. Graham Searle
20. Mike Hopkins
21. Adam Betts
22. Mari Wort
23. Kate Robinson
24. Gwen Thomas
25. Kez Pratchett

2015 UK Extreme Boule Champion

The 2015 UK Extreme Boule Champion is.....

Pippa Waterman

Pippa Waterman clutches the Extreme Boule Championship trophy

"From the greatest storms comes the strongest tuna. But when there is calm, then you see the finest fish."
Old Norwegian Proverb

And so it is will Extreme Boule. Previous seasons have raged, tipped dangerously on the precipice and spawned world champions ,who have risen through the turmoil, and countless administration blunders to reach the top spot. However this season has been, well, peaceful.
Of course there has been some extreme battles, from the Shetland Isles to the earthworks of Dorset, from the wild sands of Aberdyfi to the White Horses of Wiltshire, from the moonlit lawns of Southbourne to the living rooms of Pont-y-clun.
But now there is calm - a serene sense that comes with universal agreement that this years champion is the best of the best. Congratulations Pippa Waterman, UK Extreme Boule Champion 2015!

Extreme Boule in the news!

A great piece on the World Alternative Games which mentions Extreme Boule...

http://home.bt.com/news/uk-news/swimmers-brave-murky-waters-at-bog-snorkelling-championships-11364000979325

Pen y Fan boule

It would be amazing to be part of next years games along with all the extreme boule / petanque players and fans out there!

New number one on the leaderboard!

Pippa Cox has stormed to the number one spot, with 4 months of the season remaining.
Known as the Eliminator, Could she be the first female Extreme Boule champion?

Current rankings can be found here: http://extremeboules.blogspot.co.uk/p/world-rankings-current-top-20.html

 

 

Pippa Cox - the facts

Career % Win: 33%

Opponents defeated in career: 43

2012 Ranking: 2nd

2013 Ranking: 3rd

2014 Ranking: 39th

 

Knowlton Extreme Boule

Knowlton Church and Earthworks

Knowlton Church and Earthworks has a rich and unsettling history. This is a place where the ruins of a 12th century church sits right in the middle of a Neolithic earth work. It is where Christianity and paganism mingle, with the old ways winning it seems. The once nearby village was wiped out during the black death leaving only these remains, including the ancient yew trees. It is reputedly the most haunted place in Dorset, a living Pagan shrine. The earth ring that surrounds the church is said to keep the unwanted spirits in the rather than out!

Perfect for a round of extreme boule then.

Boule nestle in the ruins

Darren Woolridge took on Tim Wort amongst the ruins, both players employing a Jack God. A close battled ensued, Wort claiming his points in clusters, Woolridge more consistent in his approach.

It has to be said that Woolridge has struggled to find boule gold ever since winning the championship in 2011. In those halcyon days he served up the finest trifle in the land when it came to extreme bouling - in the years that have followed it has been more like offerings of stale jelly haphazardly speared by sponge fingers.

A pesky ghoul that has reputedly been seen at Knowlton. Interestingly it seems to be playing boule.

 

Boule gather under some ghostly lichen.

Wort has extreme bouled forever and plays with the deluded glaze of a man who thinks this year could be the one. It won't. Whisper it quietly but Woolridge is playing like the 2011 version- the accuracy it there, both the short and long game are honed and the nerve is strong. In the end Woolridge outwitted Wort and the ghosts of Knowlton, employing a new move in the process, Spectral Spin, to claim a victory which just could be a  launch pad to reclaiming the title and all the glory that brings.



What is probably a ghost, looks down on a boule round, which incidentally landed in ectoplasm.

Aberdyfi Show Down

Kate Robinson launches a long shot on the unforgiving sands of Aberdyfi

Ten of the finest extreme boulers around gathered on the West Wales coast for a series of extreme show downs. Bouling down sand dunes, over wet sands, in mud flats and through rock pools this was a test of mental fortitude as well as skill.
The Godmother of extreme boule, Gwen Thomas, had the short game nailed, but lacked the distant shots. Catrin Hughes, an almost World Champion two years ago, showed glimpses of undoubted skill whilst rookie, Ed Hughes held his nerve well amongst the big guns. Sioned Jones, consistent as ever, could be an outside bet for this years title whilst Kate Robinson looked impressive duelling in the rock pools. Mei Howells, who developed his posture in nearby Aberystwyth surprisingly struggled along with training partner Fran.

Players attempt to master the mud flat suction conundrum

The biggest shock came with two time Champion, Rich Waterman, who played nadly throughout. Waterman looks a like a man haunted by the fame and prestige his titles have brought him-  he was a shell of the player the fans have come to expect.

Boule and rock. Rock and boule.

However two players shone most brightly during the event. Geraint Burrows continued his glorious 2015 playing the low tide sands like a banjo - he is now a serious contender. But the biggest news is the player who has climbed to the number one spot in the rankings after dominating the Eliminator competition - Pippa Cox. She has come so close to being champion before - could 2015 be her year?